i really don't know what to do with my life now, really.. i'm so tired of living this unjust life..
it's kinda unusual for this to happen, not knowing what to do with life.. because i always plan things, and that includes my future..
but not this time..
life is f***ing unfair, really.. i know i sound so cynical.. well, you just need a slap or two in the face to realize that it is true..
life is so full of bull.. fortunately, we invented the word "happiness" that embodies everything that's opposite "misery", which envelopes our destiny as humans..
and this day is like bi-polar day.. at start, i was experiencing happiness according to my context of the word.. but now, i am so desolate that i'm wishing that i was not even born at all..
everybody may look at me as the most shitty person Someone up there ever created.. but sometimes, i just think i am misunderstood..
yeah i know, you've heard of this shit a couple of times before.. well, the same shit happens to me everytime.. i'm not to blame..
actually, it almost happens to me every single damn day of my life.. and the issue is with my mom..
yes, blame me for being the worst son ever.. but i blame you for having the mistake of killing my soul with that..
there are tons of things i would like to share about my relationship with my mom.. actually, i already did share some of them in my previous entries.. but of course, some are better kept and discussed with people you are intimate with, like your barkada, your best buds, or yourself via blog..
i know it's kinda rude, but i will cut this entry short with some thoughts..
1) one should never underestimate the experiences another has undergone or is undergoing.. gravity works in different ways.. (go figure..)
2) one should never divert his negative feelings for a thing or memory toward another..
3) things are not always meant to be talked about..
4) be sensitive enough to be patient toward some people who, by nature, just don't like being told what to do, especially the little things that don't matter to that person..
5) it is true that everybody has a bad past, but reflect once in a while if that past is projected thru your present actions.. it sometimes hurts the people around you..
6) things you do to other people are not always applicable to other people..
7) OPEN YOUR MIND.. DO NOT BE HARD-HEADED.. LISTEN TO PEOPLE WITH YOUR EARS AND YOUR HEART..
i may not know now what to do with myself anymore for having a bad relationship with my mother..
but two things are for sure..
that we are both wrong..
and that my heart's gonna die anytime soon..
i don't know, maybe with lack of blood, lack of oxygen, lack of warmth, lack of answers, lack of justice, lack of understanding, lack of.. everything, perhaps.. or simply put, for having nothing at all..
who knows where will my mother and me be after i post this entry.. well, only that Someone up there knows for sure..
what i know is that talking to this inanimate friend in front of me won't give my heart CPR when it finally dies..
immediately after you open your eyes from slumber, grab your cellphone and play Super Real Tennis.. play and play until your arms experience fatigue.. stop when you have had enough of losing to those one-inch pixelized tennis players..
step two:
go to your dining room and let your acid-covered stomach be greeted "good mornin' mate!" by an empty table..
step three:
feel like a hungry pathetic loser who was just hit by a cellphone game with a tennis racket..
step four:
grab your cellphone that just rang, and take a look at the text message, which reveals that you should go and find a place, like a beach resort, where your family could spend 3 days and 2 nights of semi-summer vacation this weekend..
step five:
if your mother offers to cut your fingernails and toenails for free, say yes..
step six:
buy at the small food stall at the back of your house some sweet and spicy sauce in squid balls and onion vinegar with lumpiang ubod..
step seven:
prove to your seemingly not-really-a-friend friend that you are a true friend..
from morning, 'til before lunch time, and ya after lunch, play games on your personal computer with your head a few inches away from the colorful and bright monitor... keep it up 'til right before dinner... but you can also do this alternative if you want your ass to be comfortable: watch television in the living room... you know, the room with the sofa... make sure that your hands are busy holding something... like food... you may take breaks of course, but you have to make them brief, like going to the comfort room to release waste or taking a trip to the fridge to get some more edible things to munch on... (point? headache...)
step two:
buy grilled barbeque at the stand near your house... make sure the whole thing comes with a small plastic bag filled with chilli vinegar (vinegar with siling labuyo, to be specific)... eat your barbeque along with rice, with an amount much greater than what you usually ingest... don't forget to smother your rice and barbeque with the chilli vinegar, like what you do with soups... a glass of sweet fruit juice or milk should be by your side, but a glass of ice cold water will do... oh, and a fan at maximum power right at your face... expect pails of sweat...
step three:
get yelled at by your mom for not being a robot...
step four:
don't take pain relievers...
step five:
go to friendster... go to your friends... find the picture of your ex (or someone you had a romantic relationship with if you were not official)... take a look at that person's profile and pictures... read the shoutout that says: "i'm happy now!"... be envious... send that person a message that says that you are happy that that person is happy (without you)... commend that person's picture... uhm, actually, you should just tell that person whatever you want, but be sure to type this: "i miss you" at the end of the message... then click the link that will send the message... go back to your homepage... look at your picture (without that person)... and then cry...
step six:
still, don't take pain relievers...
step seven:
make a blog entry on how to ruin your day... like this one... duh?
Kaloy: nakakainis talaga Kaloy: eto ishe-share ko j: ok j: ano? Kaloy: naiinis ako sa mom ko Kaloy: akala nya kasi lagi syang tama Kaloy: at kapag sinasagot ko sya Kaloy: ang naririnig lang nya Kaloy: boses ko Kaloy: hindi yung sagot ko Kaloy: she never listens to what im saying j: wag mo na awayin j: respect her j: she's still ur mom Kaloy: all that she hears is that im disrespectful Kaloy: but she doesnt hear what i say Kaloy: its unfair Kaloy: i need to voice out Kaloy: thats what i am Kaloy: i keep telling myself Kaloy: sumosobra na ako Kaloy: ang bastos ko talaga Kaloy: pero sometimes Kaloy: i think im the one who is right Kaloy: because she never listens Kaloy: she is narrow minded Kaloy: sobra j: COT Kaloy: lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko Kaloy: i should stop disrespecting her j: COT Kaloy: because its wrong j: COT Kaloy: ano yan>? j: change of topic Kaloy: uhm Kaloy: hindi ba pwedeng maglabas ako ng sama ng loob? j: pwede.. j: pero.. j: cge lang.. Kaloy: ano? j: i'm uncomfortable with the topic j: it rubs me the wrong way Kaloy: i really need someone who could just listen j: ok lang.. Kaloy: because i want it out j: i'm here j: listening Kaloy: kasi Kaloy: para kasing nagco-contradict ang personality namin ni momy e Kaloy: hindi kami magkasundo Kaloy: hindi talaga kami magkasundo Kaloy: im always hard headed when it comes to her Kaloy: hot headed din j: hehe Kaloy: nagka-clash kami ni momy lagi Kaloy: i am aware naman Kaloy: that what she wants is the best Kaloy: yadi yadi ya j: it's yada Kaloy: but shes not always right j: yada yada j: hehe Kaloy: i typed it the way i though of it j: haha Kaloy: thought j: funny Kaloy: anyways Kaloy: she is not always right Kaloy: and she doesnt see it Kaloy: because she is narrow minded Kaloy: hay naku Kaloy: kakain na kami j: hehe Kaloy: i will be right back j: will u be back? j: ok Kaloy: yes
***
Kaloy: pero i think Kaloy: you know what Kaloy: she is also poisoning the mind of my dad j: hehe Kaloy: kasi my dad doesnt like me talking to the phone, in general j: it's pathetic.. sorry for the term Kaloy: tapos my mom would say na its you who im talking to Kaloy: tapos walang kwenta daw ang pinaguusapan j: tss Kaloy: ang pinaguusapan ay ung kung ano ang pinapanood sa tv j: pssssh j: psssh j: tsssssss Kaloy: tawanan lang ng tawanan daw Kaloy: armpf j: hehe Kaloy: kainis Kaloy: unreasonable j: well.. j: to be honest. Kaloy: matanda na kasi j: when i look at this situation j: i always regret that i chose bene j: to go to highschool j: i miss my friends back in grade school j: kahit na di ako ganun ka kilala dun. j: ??? j: pero.. j: di ko naman kayo makikilala j: which is far worse Kaloy: yeah Kaloy: everything happens for a reason Kaloy: to be honest Kaloy: i dont know what will make me and my mom closer Kaloy: she tried to bribe me with going out to the mall Kaloy: i mean not really bribe j: strategy Kaloy: she tried to get to me by going to the mall Kaloy: movie Kaloy: grocery Kaloy: eat good food Kaloy: shop for what i want Kaloy: she tried it Kaloy: but she just doesnt see that its not what i want Kaloy: i dont want to be happy by means of material things j: hehe.. Kaloy: because it would only make me more lonely j: ok lang yan Kaloy: it would make me feeel bad about myself Kaloy: im not into material things j: hehe Kaloy: i just want a mom who would listen j: that's ggod j: good Kaloy: a mom that is open Kaloy: open-minded Kaloy: a mom that would not always insists what she wants Kaloy: insist j: that's ok Kaloy: un lang talaga Kaloy: j: ako naman miss ko talaga ung mems nung bata pa ako j: kasi.. j: nung gradeschool ako.. j: di ko pa nashare Kaloy: wait lang Kaloy: di pa ako tapos Kaloy: hehe j: ok Kaloy: di nya ata napapansin Kaloy: im not talking to her Kaloy: no really Kaloy: i dont initiate conversations with her Kaloy: i dont like to talk to her Kaloy: kasi it would always turn out na ako ang mali Kaloy: na may mali ako Kaloy: na may tama sya j: aww j: tsk tsk Kaloy: i dont like to talk to her talaga Kaloy: kasi Kaloy: iinit lang ulo ko j: onga.. Kaloy: kasi she wouldnt listen naman e j: lagi sa phone Kaloy: she would not listen to me Kaloy: wat u mean> Kaloy: lagi sa phone? j: nagaaway kayo j: walang matinong conversation Kaloy: she always insists what she wants Kaloy: she doesnt listen to the message of my words Kaloy: when i raise my voice Kaloy: what she knows Kaloy: it that i raised my voice Kaloy: she did not hear what i said Kaloy: gets mo? j: tr to understand j: try Kaloy: i am trying talaga Kaloy: so hard j: well Kaloy: as in Kaloy: sa isip ko Kaloy: pinapagalitan ko sarili ko j: in time j: everything will fall into place Kaloy: im asking from God the help Kaloy: na hindi ako magtaas ng boses Kaloy: na hindi ko sya mabastos Kaloy: im asking God to help me Kaloy: pero nothing happens j: that's ok Kaloy: sa hapagkainan Kaloy: i dont talk to her Kaloy: when she asks me something Kaloy: di ko sya sinasagot ng mahusay Kaloy: grabe Kaloy: gusto ko talagang umiyak Kaloy: tapos she tells my dad Kaloy: lagi ko syang binabastos Kaloy: eh yun lang ang alam nya Kaloy: she doesnt figure out what is behind my behavior Kaloy: sa totoo lang Kaloy: nasaktan ako Kaloy: nung lumabas kami sa SM para magpasarap Kaloy: kasi before nun Kaloy: away kami j: ano Kaloy: tapos nung nagkaron ng days na ok kami Kaloy: saka nya ako tinreat sa SM Kaloy: ano yun Kaloy: material rewards j: no Kaloy: i dont need it Kaloy: ano un> Kaloy: ? j: that's the only wa she can show that she's sorry Kaloy: hindi Kaloy: wait Kaloy: eto kasi Kaloy: after Kaloy: after nung lumabas kami to S< Kaloy: SM Kaloy: away ulit kami Kaloy: tapos sabi nya j: bakit? Kaloy: ano pa ba gusto mo j: ouch Kaloy: pinanood na kita ng sine j: onga noh Kaloy: pinakain na kita Kaloy: tapos ganyan ka pa rin j: parng ang dating sumbat Kaloy: sabi nya Kaloy: masakit un sobra j: why.. Kaloy: parang pinapamukha nya sa akin na hanggang material things lang ako j: maybe ur mom has no outlet of her deep anger j: she's sullen j: alam mo na Kaloy: whats why i would rather spend most of my day with an inanimate object like the computer, at nalilihis ang isip ko sa mga problema, than to talk to her Kaloy: para walang away Kaloy: what u mean sullen? Kaloy: ? j: uhh.. j: show irritation Kaloy: so Kaloy: what were u trying to say? Kaloy: hindi no nagets Kaloy: ko j: she keeps it inside j: so.. j: na tratranslate ung anger nya into other stuff j: such as his relationship to you j: to the way things are inside the house j: basically everything Kaloy: such as pagaayos ng bahay Kaloy: paglilinis Kaloy: pagdidilig j: it may be true j: yes Kaloy: wala akong nakikitang efforts from her j: simple things turn out to be complicated Kaloy: to get close to me j: maybe she's overboard Kaloy: yes lagi lagi nyang pinapalaki ang mga maliliit na bagay Kaloy: so true Kaloy: i gues Kaloy: you have a point Kaloy: you may be true Kaloy: eh ano ang galit nya? j: yeah Kaloy: hindi ko alam kung san galing ang galit nya j: that's the question j: maybe she realized something true j: and it really bruised her j: i'm no saying that she does... j: pero baka.. meron din syang angry girl disease j: alam mo un? j: hehe j: funny Kaloy: no j: meron din sa lalaki nun eh j: di ko alam tawag Kaloy: tsaka to be honest j: rage something ata Kaloy: kaya din ganito ang pagiisip ko Kaloy: kasi hangang ngayon Kaloy: traumatized pa rin ako Kaloy: sa nangyari sa summer job ko Kaloy: last year Kaloy: remember? j: huh? Kaloy: yung narinig ko yung phone call ng drunk dad ko with another woman he has an affair with Kaloy: na-trauma ako Kaloy: emotionally Kaloy: hanggang ngayon j: dunn that Kaloy: may galit pa rin ako j: dunno Kaloy: oh i guess i did not tell that to yo j: aww Kaloy: galit pa rin ako Kaloy: that was the worst moment in my life Kaloy: at dinadamdam ko sya hangang ngayon
DISCLAIMER: edited ang paguusap na ito... binura ko ang mga linyang walang kinalaman sa kabuuang ideya pati ang mga linyang sensitibo...
people of conscience vote for the candidates who present a convincing platform that addresses the problems of the masses..
but they do not know that they will not get what they want by voting these candidates that promise them a better life..
you see, the strategy is: public officials deprive people of a better life in order for them to create a platform based on poverty-related issues and problems that they will use for the next elections in order for them to be elected again.. and once they are, they will have access to government resources to be used for their own interest, which is to make their own lives better and to make possible an another term in the public office come the next elections..
this one will be brief and simple, yet it could hit you like a ton of those rusting yellow ballot boxes from ComElec..
OUR VOTES WILL NEVER MAKE A CHANGE..
AS LONG AS OUR VOTES CAN BE CHANGED..
AS LONG AS OUR VOTES CAN BE BOUGHT..
AND AS LONG AS VOTES CAN BE PRODUCED..
we may discover and prove the dirt of the funds of candidates.. we may hear all their political wrongdoings being thrown here and there every now and then.. and we may vote for the ones whom we believe could really eradicate the political problems of our rotting country.. but because of the fact that our country is rotting, it is true that the couple of minutes that we will spend inside the voting precincts may be just of no sense at all..
now, who needs elections with only people full of crap to vote for? with all of the dirty deeds of incumbent and aspiring politicians, nobody REALLY wins.. at all..
The filth of philippine politics: corruption's advantage...
i know.. you may be perplexed, thinking: "what? corruption has an advantage?"
well.. advantages do not necessarily deliver good things for the good of everybody, you see..
whether we like it or not, corruption brings good things, unfortunately, to some people [only]..
past the fact that it brings material fortune to government officials who engage in the infamous activity, i'm talking about the ones who run for public office..
we all know about corruption.. i mean, we are fully aware that it is widespread in our government.. in fact, our country is known all over the world for it.. and we all abhor it, proven by decades of rallies, protests, impeachment cases, and, of course, the series of people power revolutions..
however, this fact, apparently, is used by the ruthless ones who are thrilled to grab a seat in our government to lay down on a bed of cash..
they say that they will fight corruption when they finally get the position they are running for, although some of us are aware that what they are saying are exactly the opposite of what they are doing or what they did.. they even make commitments ahead, even though they are candidates still, saying that they will not run again for re-election if they will not be able to fulfill their promises.. they include it in their surreal generalized platform, which is not expounded to the public for it to be understood.. they broadcast it in the airwaves, squeezing out the creativity of their dedicated yet foolish supporters to apply it on their advertisements in order to catch the attention of the people and "plant" their names on their intoxicated minds.. they buy the recommendations of different influential organizations and relgious groups.. they shell out millions of money for a position that supposedly gives back only thousands.. they travel all over the country and show their crooked faces covered with lies, deception, greed, and selfishness.. and they boast about it, saying that they can and they will abolish corruption if you vote for them..
and we who are suffocated by all the misleading publicity, we who are desperate for an overhaul in public governance, we who are blinded by our beliefs, may it be religious or cultural, that can be easily manipulated and corrupted by power, and we who, for every election, are presented with nothing but deceiving promises and false hopes like it.. it's like ear candy, hearing those seemingly famous celebrities who happen to run our country say the things that we want to hear, the things that we want to happen for the good of our country, the things that we are hoping for, the things that give us encouragement to live another day of misery, the things that catch our attention and make us vote for the ones we remember come the election day..
simply put, they say what we want to hear, we write what we hear and remember, they do what they want to do given the power to do so..
skeptical or cynical i may seem, but i am so sick of the filth of philippine politics, hearing every now and then unproven controversies related to cheating at the elections that will be soon left hanging in the air again, just like the other controversies in the previous elections.. that's why i'm not going to vote until i see a change.. and i wonder when will that be..
if only God could vote for us.. *sigh*
and now, the queston is: shall truth prevail this time around?
ladies and gentle people (of all sexual preferences)..
due to intrapersonal demand..
i have decided that..
it's about time for me to..
*drumroll please*
post a new entry..
egad! a new entry? *gossip gossip*
yep, a NEW entry.. emphasis on the N, the E, and the W..
emphasis amplified by the date of my last entry..
it has been, seriously, decades since i last poured my demented soul into this cyber chunk of my concept of self, as vividly shown through the gray threads of my deteriorating brain.. and i noticed the pulsating glow of molds whenever i click links..
okay, enough of the welcome remarks.. let's get to business..
egad! he skipped the welcome remarks? he already wants to get to "business"? *gossip gossip*
damn, i hate this laptop.. the marks on the keys don't match its outputs..
ahem.. yes, i wanna get down to business already.. i had enough of the chit-chat..
*preventing self from segue*
whew! what a struggle! ahem ahem..
there are a lot of things that override my consciousness once in a while..
like my problems with my family.. with philippine politics.. with my love life, in general.. with my so-called friends.. with my self, et al..
i'll tackle them one by one, shall i?
nah.. forever's not enough (eliminate sarah geronimo from your stream of consciousness as of the moment, please) for me to (no, not 'love you'!) disclose all of those things.. and besides, its wills hurts, you knows.. i'd rather leave it inside me and let it devour my sanity and destroy my stability from the inside..
so what's the sense of creating this blog entry?
well, i guess it doesn't have to explain its existence to anyone.. it just stands in solitude (not that it knows it does) in cyberspace.. it serves as my portal to the immaterial buffer of all the loneliness and negativity and imperfection in the world..
just like any other blog entry..
that reminded me of a verse from a song by john mayer..
i'm dizzy from the shopping mall, i searched for joy but i bought it all, it doesn't help the hunger pain and a thirst i'd have to drown first to ever satiate..
like i said, there are tons of things that bother my thinking every single day.. problems, imbalance, injustice, lots and lots of things really.. it's the result of the 24/7 activity of my brain, always analyzing things.. tsk.. but don't think that i'm also minding the problems of the rest of the mourning world.. those things that i mentioned are my own personal problems.. problems that i have kept so long inside my fist-sized heart.. and yet, i still have no plans of divulging any of those abyss-deep problems.. i don't know, and i don't even understand, i can't organize everything in my head, they're too much.. and i know not even professionals could..
amid all of these chaotic stuff that rumble inside my head, what makes me happy? tsk.. that word.. so vague.. so absurd.. friends, music, games, movies, television, they're just temporary relief.. wikipedia.org defines happiness as an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction.. well, i've had that a million times.. but it never lasted..
and what would the definiton have in effect? it's just a definition.. for the sake of having a basis, a point of reference..
the world may try to define everything, but we always have a choice whether to put up with those definitions or create our own and defy the world..
and because we are damn humans, we will always search for the things that we do not have.. a never-ending search for happiness.. a never-ending search for solutions to problems that will inevitably result to more problems..
ergo, life is sad, so complicated.. but its really up to us to make ourselves experience our self-defined happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment..
another verse from the same song by john mayer..
i can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design, i wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness, for loneliness like this.. *sigh* i wish these things that i type could convey what really is inside my head.. so problematic.. so chaotic, difficult to decipher, i know.. i wish that these could make everyone understand who i am, what i think, what i am capable of, why i am like this, everything that encompass my concept of "self"..
and like the search for happiness, this entry could go on and on without end.. i have opened a lot of matters, inspired a lot of questions, induced a lot of arguments, but i choose to end it.. (you must be getting tired at this point..)
like i choose to end my attachment to social constructions.. i choose to think for myself.. i choose to go on with life even if despair keeps on dragging me to its deep trench.. i choose to continue on searching for meanings, for justice, for that small speck of light among the darkness that envelopes my consciousness..
starkness may cover my eyes with black shroud, but i will always be eager to see what i should see, what i want to see, what i need to see..
my self may forever hide in the shadows, but it will always surface as substantial, and very much human..
i'm like juggling a million chainsaws when i don't even know how to juggle..
para akong nasa kawalan..
alam kong buhay ako.. alam kong tumatakbo ang utak ko.. alam kong tumitibok ang puso ko.. alam ko ang mga alam ko..
pero chaotic ang lahat.. ang gulo ng mga thoughts ko.. patong-patong sila.. lahat nagpaparamdam, nagpaparinig nang sabay-sabay.. nade-drain na ang utak ko sa kaka-isip sa kanilang lahat.. unti-unti na akong natutunaw.. nalulunod.. nawawala..
kelangan nang i-degfragment ang aking cognition ASAP..
